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Mr. Mayor's Schedule
An Imaginary Take on What Our Leader May Be Doing This Week
by Jon Regardie
From: Mayor's Office of Communications
To: Media trolls, TV/film casting executives, Democratic National Committee members searching for higher-office candidates
Purpose: This is the public schedule for the Mayor for Tuesday, Feb. 7. Last-minute additions or changes may be made depending on whether Ameriquest offers $438 tickets to ride a private jet across the country.
4:30 a.m.: Mayor will wake up and proclaim, "It's another beautiful day in Los Angeles, the safest and best sleeping big city in the world."
4:35 a.m.: Mayor will brush teeth and credit water for "being the best-tasting, most drinkable water of any city in the United States, and the type of water other cities should envy, although if DWP employees treating this water are paid more than members of other public employees unions that is the previous mayor's fault, as I had nothing to do with that contract, even though I oppose it now."
5:02 a.m.: Mayor will have morning workout, with 1,000 push-ups and five miles running through Hancock Park. Media note: Photo op during boxing class, as Mayor will pound on punching bag decorated with Gov. Schwarzenegger's face. Jim Hahn punching bag no longer in use.
6:00-6:30 a.m.: Mayor will brush teeth again and practice full-toothed grin.
7:30 a.m.: Mayor will arrive at City Hall, long before other employees. Will do mayoral things.
9:00 a.m.: Mayor will appear at press conference with local City Council member who spent countless hours working on important project for the district. Mayor will speak first at press conference. Media allowed to leave after Mayor's address. Councilmember will speak sometime later.
10:15 a.m.: Mayor will tape special guest appearance on "CSI." Playing himself, Mayor will offer tax incentives to show's crack investigators in effort to lure them from Las Vegas to Los Angeles. Mayor will then repeat offer in Spanish.
11:00 a.m.: Mayor will appear on local radio program "Ask the Mayor Questions That He'll Ignore and Instead Answer However He Wants."
11:45 a.m.: Mayor will appear at press conference with state lawmaker who spent countless hours working on important project for the district. Mayor will speak first at press conference, then leave, announcing need to get to "important luncheon." State lawmaker will speak sometime later.
12:00 p.m.: Business lunch with executives from Ameriquest at clubby restaurant in Downtown. Mayor will pay $6 for four-pound lobster, the amount it would cost if lobster had been flown across country on Ameriquest private jet.
1:00-1:15 p.m.: Mayoral power nap.
1:30-2:00 p.m.: Afternoon teeth brushing and grin practicing.
2:00 p.m.: Mayor will attend special "Happy February" event at local school. In speech, Mayor will state, "February is easily one of the 12 most important months to the economy of Los Angeles, the greatest, safest and greenest big city in America. Angelenos should honor February and we should all use this month to come together." Media note: Photo op with smiling children of all races.
3:15 p.m.: Annual Mayor vs. Media-Trolls Softball Game on site of new state park. Media note: Game to be played differently this year. Rather than divide into teams, Mayor will stand at home plate with big bat and accept softball pitches from editors of local daily newspaper that endorsed not one but two people in mayoral primary. Afterwards, television news reporters will be given chance to pitch softballs. Photo op available of hundreds of Angelenos cheering as Mayor hits softball after softball out of the park. At end Mayor will stand in front of home plate and proclaim, "Los Angeles is the true home run city of the 21st century."
4:30 p.m.: Mayor will consume afternoon snack of Oreos and apple juice in front of site of new Downtown convention center hotel. Media note: Hotel executives, as well as executives of other large deals, will thank Mayor for orchestrating deal and "saving our butts."
4:40 p.m.: Twenty minutes before evening newscasts begin, Mayor will issue press release stating, "I have no desire to be governor. Mayor of Los Angeles is the only job I want. Nothing, nada, short of the united plaintive bleating of rudderless state Democratic leaders would persuade me to change my mind. I don't think."
4:45 p.m.: Mayor will appear at press conference with member of U.S. Congress who spent countless hours working on important project for the district. Mayor will speak first, then skedaddle. Member of Congress will speak sometime later. Media request: If anyone has extra microphone, please leave for Congress member. Mayor must take his with him.
5:01 p.m.: Mayor will stand by steps of City Hall as city staffers rush out door. Mayor will then continue working. Media note: Photo op of awed city staffers saying, "He is the hardest working Mayor we have ever seen."
6:00-6:30 p.m.: Evening teeth brushing and grin practicing.
7:00 p.m.: Evening photo op of Mayor being Mayor. Why not? There's never a bad time for a photo op with this Mayor!
7:15 p.m.: Mayor will host Democrats from around the world at gala charity fundraiser (cause TBD) honoring the Mayor. Ameriquest has bought every table.
9:15 p.m.: Mayor will appear at Olvera Street. After brief address, will be joined by City Controller. They will be given stick the size of a Rottweiler and allowed first swings at piņata in shape of LAUSD Superintendent. Media note: Mayor and Controller will not be blindfolded when swinging.
11:07 p.m.: Mayor will appear on local late newscast to state, "Feb. 7 has been a great day in Los Angeles, easily one of the 365 most spectacular days this greatest city in this great nation will enjoy this year. Mayors of other cities will wish they were in Los Angeles today."
11:58 p.m.: Mayor will crawl into bed in $438 Ameriquest PJs.
Contact Jon Regardie at regardie@downtownnews.com.
page 5, 2/6/2006
© Los Angeles Downtown News. Reprinting items retrieved from the archives are for personal use only. They may not be reproduced or retransmitted without permission of the Los Angeles Downtown News. If you would like to redistribute anything from the Los Angeles Downtown News Archives, please call our permissions department at (213) 481-1448.
To: Media trolls, TV/film casting executives, Democratic National Committee members searching for higher-office candidates
Purpose: This is the public schedule for the Mayor for Tuesday, Feb. 7. Last-minute additions or changes may be made depending on whether Ameriquest offers $438 tickets to ride a private jet across the country.
4:30 a.m.: Mayor will wake up and proclaim, "It's another beautiful day in Los Angeles, the safest and best sleeping big city in the world."
4:35 a.m.: Mayor will brush teeth and credit water for "being the best-tasting, most drinkable water of any city in the United States, and the type of water other cities should envy, although if DWP employees treating this water are paid more than members of other public employees unions that is the previous mayor's fault, as I had nothing to do with that contract, even though I oppose it now."
5:02 a.m.: Mayor will have morning workout, with 1,000 push-ups and five miles running through Hancock Park. Media note: Photo op during boxing class, as Mayor will pound on punching bag decorated with Gov. Schwarzenegger's face. Jim Hahn punching bag no longer in use.
6:00-6:30 a.m.: Mayor will brush teeth again and practice full-toothed grin.
7:30 a.m.: Mayor will arrive at City Hall, long before other employees. Will do mayoral things.
9:00 a.m.: Mayor will appear at press conference with local City Council member who spent countless hours working on important project for the district. Mayor will speak first at press conference. Media allowed to leave after Mayor's address. Councilmember will speak sometime later.
10:15 a.m.: Mayor will tape special guest appearance on "CSI." Playing himself, Mayor will offer tax incentives to show's crack investigators in effort to lure them from Las Vegas to Los Angeles. Mayor will then repeat offer in Spanish.
11:00 a.m.: Mayor will appear on local radio program "Ask the Mayor Questions That He'll Ignore and Instead Answer However He Wants."
11:45 a.m.: Mayor will appear at press conference with state lawmaker who spent countless hours working on important project for the district. Mayor will speak first at press conference, then leave, announcing need to get to "important luncheon." State lawmaker will speak sometime later.
12:00 p.m.: Business lunch with executives from Ameriquest at clubby restaurant in Downtown. Mayor will pay $6 for four-pound lobster, the amount it would cost if lobster had been flown across country on Ameriquest private jet.
1:00-1:15 p.m.: Mayoral power nap.
1:30-2:00 p.m.: Afternoon teeth brushing and grin practicing.
2:00 p.m.: Mayor will attend special "Happy February" event at local school. In speech, Mayor will state, "February is easily one of the 12 most important months to the economy of Los Angeles, the greatest, safest and greenest big city in America. Angelenos should honor February and we should all use this month to come together." Media note: Photo op with smiling children of all races.
3:15 p.m.: Annual Mayor vs. Media-Trolls Softball Game on site of new state park. Media note: Game to be played differently this year. Rather than divide into teams, Mayor will stand at home plate with big bat and accept softball pitches from editors of local daily newspaper that endorsed not one but two people in mayoral primary. Afterwards, television news reporters will be given chance to pitch softballs. Photo op available of hundreds of Angelenos cheering as Mayor hits softball after softball out of the park. At end Mayor will stand in front of home plate and proclaim, "Los Angeles is the true home run city of the 21st century."
4:30 p.m.: Mayor will consume afternoon snack of Oreos and apple juice in front of site of new Downtown convention center hotel. Media note: Hotel executives, as well as executives of other large deals, will thank Mayor for orchestrating deal and "saving our butts."
4:40 p.m.: Twenty minutes before evening newscasts begin, Mayor will issue press release stating, "I have no desire to be governor. Mayor of Los Angeles is the only job I want. Nothing, nada, short of the united plaintive bleating of rudderless state Democratic leaders would persuade me to change my mind. I don't think."
4:45 p.m.: Mayor will appear at press conference with member of U.S. Congress who spent countless hours working on important project for the district. Mayor will speak first, then skedaddle. Member of Congress will speak sometime later. Media request: If anyone has extra microphone, please leave for Congress member. Mayor must take his with him.
5:01 p.m.: Mayor will stand by steps of City Hall as city staffers rush out door. Mayor will then continue working. Media note: Photo op of awed city staffers saying, "He is the hardest working Mayor we have ever seen."
6:00-6:30 p.m.: Evening teeth brushing and grin practicing.
7:00 p.m.: Evening photo op of Mayor being Mayor. Why not? There's never a bad time for a photo op with this Mayor!
7:15 p.m.: Mayor will host Democrats from around the world at gala charity fundraiser (cause TBD) honoring the Mayor. Ameriquest has bought every table.
9:15 p.m.: Mayor will appear at Olvera Street. After brief address, will be joined by City Controller. They will be given stick the size of a Rottweiler and allowed first swings at piņata in shape of LAUSD Superintendent. Media note: Mayor and Controller will not be blindfolded when swinging.
11:07 p.m.: Mayor will appear on local late newscast to state, "Feb. 7 has been a great day in Los Angeles, easily one of the 365 most spectacular days this greatest city in this great nation will enjoy this year. Mayors of other cities will wish they were in Los Angeles today."
11:58 p.m.: Mayor will crawl into bed in $438 Ameriquest PJs.
Contact Jon Regardie at regardie@downtownnews.com.
page 5, 2/6/2006
© Los Angeles Downtown News. Reprinting items retrieved from the archives are for personal use only. They may not be reproduced or retransmitted without permission of the Los Angeles Downtown News. If you would like to redistribute anything from the Los Angeles Downtown News Archives, please call our permissions department at (213) 481-1448.
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